Bachelor for dummies No. 1


Dylan Stanford, Avery Goodstine, Staff Writer

By Avery Goodstine and Dylan Stanford

D: Hey Aves, you of all people know how excited I am for the season premiere of “The Bachelor,” but like, is Peter? Don’t get me wrong, he’s definitely attractive and deserves to find love, but let’s be honest, there’s no way he’s over Hannah Brown… Right? I mean, Hannah is a straight up CATCH.

A: Dude, I am so ready for this season to get going, and Peter, abs for DAYS man. But yeah, I totally agree that he might not be 100 percent over Hannah yet. I mean, they really did love each other, and the chemistry is so obvious. I mean four times…in a windmill? How classy.

D: That’s so nasty…lol. Honestly, I can’t decide if I want him to be over Hannah. I love her and all, but if Peter goes into this season with strings still attached to Hannah, that’s gonna totally suck for all the girls. But then again, this is “The Bachelor.” What is it without all the drama?

A: Okay, it is so obvious that the producers are using Hannah for publicity. And now she’s all upset and crying and shiz because she doesn’t know if she made the right choice or whatever. I mean, yeah I feel bad for her and that really sucks but like, she had her chance. She should back off for a sec and let Peter at least MEET these girls. I mean come on, it’s the first fricking episode.  

D: OK. But the episode hasn’t even started yet; this is literally all from the previews. Like bruh. Hannah already up in this ish. Smh. 

A: They should both just say peace out to each other for a little bit so they can both think about what they want. If he still wants her and she still wants him after a while, then I say they should give it a shot. 

D: Anyway, this jank be starting now and they’re introducing the girls… Now it’s time to unfairly judge them (this would be the place to insert a devil emoji if I could). I swear if Hannah steps out of the stupid limo I’m gonna turn it off. I can’t. My heart will give. Someone have the AED ready.

A: Ok, there are so many, what the heck. But also,,, girl if you’re a flight attendant YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL. Omg. I died when the one girl was like, oh haha I’m a flight attendant, and half the other girls are too. Creds to the editors.

D: Ok why am I excited for this season now? Some of these girls are so cute tho. They really do b vibing doe.

A: I am so ready for this to get a move on, I am ready for this draaammmaaaa, kinda live for it, not even gonna lie.

D: Not to be mean… but what is wrong with that girl from Virginia Beach? She can’t even speak properly.

A: Bro, can she just like, say anything without stumbling over every single word. Like girl come on. You reppin VB over here. 

D: OK, but I’ve had enough of the introductions… Can we just skip to the part where they all try and steal time from each other?? Now THAT I want to see. 

A: I feel like there are SO many girls this season. Like, I swear there are usually not this many. It’s just limo after limo full of girls. I can already tell this season is going to be very interesting. 

D: Annndddd of course Hannah is here… how could I have thought she wouldn’t be? 

A: Honestly, not too sure how I feel about that right now. I mean, I love Hannah, don’t get me wrong, but there is no way she can come and be a part of the house. I mean, that would totally mess up the whole entire thing, plus that is not fair to the other girls AT ALL. I would be so upset if I were them.

D: OK, but like maybe I judged her a little too early. That was actually cute what she did. Giving Peter back his wings?? Like omg ADORABLE. 

A: OK yeah, that was super cute, and now I have much more respect for her. I just hope that she knows her rightful place and she keeps her nose out of all this. 

D: So… Can I just talk about Hannah Ann’s face?? Why does it look so PERFECT ALL THE TIME? Genuinely confused about how people out there can be looking like that and I’m stuck here like this. Kinda rude tho…Also that Madison girl really looks like that one actress who played Annabeth in Percy Jackson The Lightning Thief. Absolutely stunning. My two faves.

A: SAME! They both just seem so cute and genuine. I can already tell that they are both going to go far in this whole process.  

D: Bro… Hannah Ann really stole Peter three times. I don’t even know whether to be mad?? I mean, for some reason I just don’t really like Shiann so I’m cool with it, but still. I feel like she should be a little more considerate. But at the same time, I thought her response to Shiann was fine… Like girl, if you’re so upset you were interrupted then go get Peter?? Simple solutions smh. 

A: Yes fr, I mean, all these girls do is complain complain complain. Just go get him if you want him so bad! And why do they act so shocked when girls steal him away?? That is obviously a tactic that is very commonly used in this show and they are always like “Peter won’t like that, she comes off as too strong blah blah blah” but I mean the girls who do that always stay! Eagerness is key!!

D: Skipping ahead… I’m not surprised that Hannah Ann got the first impression rose. And I’m not even that upset about the first rose ceremony; I didn’t even know the girls that got eliminated lol.

A: Honestly the first rose ceremony just weeds out the girls who were scared to talk to him. I’m not mad at all about how it went. But wow did you see that girl with the DUCK LIPS. there should really be rules on how much botox one can get, for the sake of others AT LEAST.

D: Ok let’s shut up and watch the dates now and then come back to talk because I feel like a LOT is about to happen and I don’t want to miss it.


D: uhhh.. Idek what to say. Like, I’m sorry but I absolutely despise that Kelley girl. I mean, WE GET IT YOU MET PETER IN A HOTEL YOU’RE SO COOL. But on the other hand, I absolutely love, Victoria P., Hannah Ann, and the Madison girl. Definitely my top three. 

A: Oh I definitely agree. I like Kelley though, I think she’s cute. Also it was like a sign that they previously met and both of them were excited to know the other one would be on the show. And come on, it is so adorable that they are IN THE HOTEL that they met at. You gotta admit that is adorbs. 

D: Also, can we talk about Hannah Brown? I’m so confused. Is Peter inviting her, are the producers inviting her, or did she invite herself? Because I don’t think she invited herself, but the girls are making such mean comments about her.

A: I totally understand why they would be mad though, like seriously, it is a bit ridiculous that she came back not once, but TWICE and it isn’t even her show. She had her season and her chance with Peter and she missed it! Too bad so sad. It’s clear the producers are using her for promo. 

D: Also the conversation between her and Peter? Like obviously they are still in love with each other. Wtf are they gonna do?? I really just want the next episode to come out; I NEED IT.

A: I don’t think they are in love, I think they are just really confused. I get that, but like, if they wanted to be with each other, they had the chance but that chance is gone now. She needs to leave him alone because she is just going to confuse him more and make it unfair to all the other girls in the house. 

D: Honestly bro, I think I need to go. This was so much drama for one night that I just need to take a few hours and think about it all. I’ll talk to you next week as soon as Episode 2 comes out haha.

A: OK bro, me too. I’m so excited to have my Monday nights reserved again. This season is already surprising me so I’m excited for what’s to come next week.