Bachelor for dummies No. 3


By: Avery Goodstine and Dylan Stanford

D: The sun is shining. It’s a whole new day, and….

A: Wow, 2 girls crying already. Can we just get this champagne nonsense sorted out PLEASE!

D: LITERALLY THOUGH. It’s champagne bruh. These girls are so dramatic you would have thought someone’s dog died or something.

A: Ok also, Alayah..she sounds so fake. Honestly, I don’t even remember seeing her other than right now. Don’t like her, bye.  

D: Who is she again? Lol. Not even trying to be mean but I seriously don’t know who she is. Honestly, the show could do without her oops… Ok but, thoughts on Victoria getting the one-on-one? 

A: Ugh Victoria is so pretty and I’m happy she went on the one-on-one with Peter. I mean, square dancing and boot shopping, SO fun. She’s so lucky I’m jelly.

D: Bro, same. Ever since she threw up from that first group date just to participate in the spinning wheel thingy, I’ve had so much respect for her. She really out here doing it all. Not to mention those glasses she wore one time?? DANGGGG. And speaking of people who look amazing…

A: Peter wearing that cowboy hat and flannel is YUMMY.

D: A straight up snack. Like I would eat him as an appetizer. No cap. But like… wtf is wrong with Kelsey? She’s gonna tell Hannah Ann that she should have come talk to her before she talked to Peter, but Kelsey literally said “Stay the **** away from me.” Like, how can you blame Hannah Ann for not wanting to come talk to you when you literally told her to stay away? Dumb. 

A: I’m done with Kelsey honestly. I like Hannah Ann way better and Kelsey needs to stop with all this drama. Tired of it, I love Hannah Ann. 

D: Kelsey just needs to stop acting like she hasn’t done anything wrong. Like girl, please. Don’t even act like you didn’t have a complete freaking mental break over something so small like champagne. Grow up, and move on… But also, in her defense, I do think that Hannah Ann shouldn’t have said the word bully. I mean like… lol. Just because someone calls you a princess once doesn’t mean you’ve been bullied. Don’t get me wrong though, I still completely side with Hannah Ann. 

A: AWWWWW he blushes when he looks at Victoria P, that’s adorable I love them. 

D: Ok if I’m being honest. Do I like Victoria P? Or do I just like her cheekbones? Like yes, she seems to have a really great personality and seems very genuine, but her CHEEKBONES man. I would literally kill to have those. 

A: He has said he had a special moment with like almost all of the girls at this point, he better be careful…

D: Ok but in his defense, he is totally EATING UP this date right now. Everything that Victoria P says, Peter just seems to soak up like a sponge. He really seems into her right now, especially since they can do their little country dancing thing together. Kind of cute but kind of not. I wouldn’t do cute country stuff like that because I’m more of a city girl.

A: Oh, airplane makeout sesh, wish I was Victoria right now. 

D: Oh… Don’t mind me. I’m just casually sitting here imagining if I was Victoria P. Not creepy at all though. Just a girl dreaming. But oh wait, Alayah’s annoying voice has startled me awake and is making me wish I wasn’t watching this at all. 

A: Ew, Alayah really is just not sending me good vibes at all. I am getting major snake vibes. Also, that pilot hat makes her head look fat and that tube top is ugly. 

D: Dude, I know. Do you remember when she said something like, “hey girl, how does it feel not getting a date?” And then someone called her out for being a b****. I mean seriously, that girl’s ego is so inflated, that I wouldn’t mind if she got sent home. 

A: The queen is back!! YES, I LOVE DEMI. The most iconic girl on this entire show, hands down. Nothing bad comes with Demi. The queen can do no harm.

D: OMG. I can’t even BEGIN to tell you how much I love Demi. She is so blunt and just tells things how they are… I’m so excited to see what she has planned for the girls, even if it is a little scandalous.

A: Um, what, did that girl really pronounce lingerie as ling-er-ay? WHAT…

D: Imagine not knowing how to pronounce lingerie… Couldn’t be me. But I’m also laughing at the few girls who didn’t get lingerie and instead got those weird nightgown things. Like oop. Sorry that everyone gets to look like a hot victoria secret model while they’re stuck looking like someone recently admitted to a nursing home. 

A: Pretty girls pillow fighting in lace pj’s, I bet Peter and Demi are both feeling a little hot and bothered at this date.

D: Dude I can totally see Peter checking out all those girls. I’m pretty sure he might invite Demi back to plan another date because he’s totally enjoying this. But honestly though, I hope Sydney beats the absolute crap out of Alayah. Alayah’s attitude is so nasty. If she wins I’m gonna THROW HANDS.

A: Actually disgusted that Alayha won. Hate her. She needs to go. See ya.

D: But… of course she won. I mean, Peter can’t see through the fake yet so she probably just seems like a happy and genuine girl. And then she has the audacity to try and steal Peter? What a SNAKE.

A: “Do you mind if I kidnap you?” Ew Alayah just shut up. She sounds like a squirrel, her voice is actually annoying me so bad. Also her dress is ugly. 

D: Someone PLEASE call her out on her BS. PLEASE.

A: YIKES Sydney is going after Alayha! She really asked her if she had a job? BAHAHAHA. She is attacking her, go Sydney, chew her out for being fake. Call her out on her BS. Peter deserves someone who is open and honest with him and Alayah is nothing but a pageant princess who hides behind her cake face and her crowns.  

D: FINALLY. Alayah actually admitted that she is able to “turn on” a whole new personality. Good for her for finally admitting it. And yeah, maybe she does work three jobs, but she certainly doesn’t act like it. Peter does not have time for people who act differently than who they actually are. But on the other hand, about Kelley…

A: Kelley is hands down one of my favorites. I really think that she is going to be one of the final girls. They just seem to have such a genuine connection and they previously met, that is obviously a sign. 

D: I like Kelley too, although there is something about the way she parts her hair that kind of irks me. I can’t tell if that is just me being picky though— OMG. SYDNEY. 

A: YES SYDNEY CALL ALAYHA OUT. She really is fake for the cameras and she deserves to be called out for it. Sucks to suck…

D: Dude, did Alayah seriously just go to Peter and claim that she was “blindsided” and doesn’t know where the accusations are coming from? She literally admitted to Sydney that she understood that she can “turn on” a personality. She is a whole freaking liar.

A: Man, even her crying seems fake. Peter needs to send her home ASAP because her intentions are not right and she will hurt him in the end. I don’t feel bad for her at all.

D: That’s exactly what I was thinking. When she cried, it just seemed like she was making herself cry so that Peter would believe her. I don’t trust her at all and I hope that the other girls in the house will back Syndey up.

A: Oh look, Peter is once again unable to make up his own mind about her and is asking literally every single other girl their opinion of her. Gosh can’t he just see through her fakeness and send her home already.   

D: I mean I get what you’re saying, but I would do the same thing because I don’t want to take only one person’s word. I get how Peter would want to get other people’s opinion because he wants to make sure he is doing the right thing. I kind of respect Peter for doing that instead of just simply believing one of the girls. 

A: Yeah I guess so, idk, something with him just seems off to me…

D: But like, why is he only spending time at the pool party talking to girls about Alayah? He should be trying to make sure he talks to everyone, but asks them one quick question about Alayah. I think he has a problem with getting wrapped up and stretching drama out for too long.

A: I totally agree. I think all of this is going to his head and he is forgetting why he is there. I mean come on, he needs to send her home or get tf over it. Ok good, it seems like Peter finally sees the real Alayah.  

D: I seriously could not be happier. At first, I was mad that it seemed like Alayah got through to Peter and Peter believed her, but now that all the girls seem to have something to say about Alayah, I am definitely HERE for this. And what is up with Victoria P and Alayah? Did Alayah seriously ask the Victoria P not to tell the producers that they know each other?

A: Of course she did!!! It is so clear that she didn want Peter knowing how she truly is so she did not want her background to be revealed!! The truth always comes out though.

D: And I know that Alayah claims that she did it because she didn’t want to jeopardize their relationships on the show, but that is just so hard to believe. Like, cmon. At least come up with a better excuse than that or just be honest. At this point she is just digging her own grave. And then she had the audacity to claim that Victoria P was one of her good friends and slaughtered her name??? WHAT. Girl… Whatever you say, honey. 

A: UGH I KNOW! When Alayah said that I was like, wow you have GOT to be fricking JOKING! Straight up LIES. And then she really had the NERVE to say that she is a bad liar!?!?!?!? Don’t think I’ve ever needed someone to go home as much as her. She’s not even HALF as bad as Krystal from Arie’s season,,,YIKES

D: Alright. It’s time to head into the rose ceremony. I don’t know what to expect, but I really hope Peter sends Alayah home. 

A: Oh my gosh, ummm, what is happening??? What is Peter doing? Why is he talking to Chris??? WHAT they took away a rose!?!?!? I will actually bang my head against my wall if Alayah stays for one more minute. 

D: Dude, Mykenna looks like the is about to pass out lmao. Is she okay?? Calm down… everyone knows you’re going to get a rose after that steamy makeout session the episode before. It’s probably the only thing he remembers about you and Peter only thinks with one thing it seems…


D: She needs to cut the crap and stop crying. She’s acting like she didn’t do this to herself… Ok girl. 

A: Wait a second, is Peter really about to go after her. Oh my god this cannot be happening. 

D: If Peter goes after her I will lose respect for him. And GOOD! He didn’t. But did you see the flash-forward to the next episodes? Because in there, it seems like Alayah might come back for a little. The way it was portrayed though makes it seem like all the girls stood up for themselves and told Peter OFF. So I’m SO hype for the next episode. 

A: Dude ME TOO. From the sneak peek of next week’s episode it looks like Alayah stops by for a visit???? AND all the girls seem SO mad at Peter doe something??? I feel like this next episode will go down in Bachelor history.